A couple nights ago, a random night in June, I spent hours doing the same thing, over and over —
Checking my Instagram, my dogs’ Instagram, my Facebook, my Twitter…
Suddenly, I found my inspiration again.
As most of you have noticed, I took a step back from blogging. Simply put, I had lost the motivation. I lost the motivation to go to school, to work, or really, to do anything. I laid in bed, day after day, and found myself in the same slump I was in last year. I asked myself, “was I depressed again?” No – It couldn’t be. 2018 was supposed to be my year. I stopped going out, and I had no motivation to truly succeed in any aspect of my life. When school ended, I was angry at myself for not applying myself to my full ability. I was angry at myself for not working a normal/stable job. Out of this all, I questioned myself.
Last night, a random night in June, I laid in bed with only my thoughts. I asked myself, “am I happy?” Thoughts and memories replayed in my head. “Yeah, those were good memories; that was a good day.” I wondered if I really was happy. I wondered if I was just associating good memories to my own happiness and wellbeing. A plethora of thoughts flooded my head, questioning myself and my own inability to comprehend happiness. Beyond the enigma, I was calm; while these thoughts were manifesting in my head, I didn’t feel stressed or nervous. For some reason, this random night in June brought clarity. Suddenly, I had the urge to write this post; I had the urge to center myself again. I found my answers. “No, I’m not depressed.” I spent years denying my depression, and this wasn’t another year of denial; this was supposed to be my year. I’m taking it back. “The good memories were happy times and happy memories; it’s just that I’m not happy all the time. But who is?” While I did question my own happiness, it was because I couldn’t tell if I was mistaking my good times for my overall wellbeing. After some thought, I don’t think hiking and spending time with my dogs melded my happiness into something else. I do it because the Earth is damn beautiful, and my dogs’ happiness is shared with my own. I don’t think raving masked my own perception of happiness. I do it because I like the music, vibes, and the people. These were just some random activities I found myself thinking of. These were the good times I sought after. For whatever reason, this random night in June allowed me to see clearly.
After some time of thought on this random night in June, I found my happiness. Happiness isn’t just a feeling. MY happiness is the collection of experiences I’ve lived through. Finding the best out of the worst. Living my best life to its fullest potential. In the end, happiness is subjective; I learned that you don’t have to be happy 24/7 in order to be a happy person. It’s okay to be unhappy. Shit, we all have our moments – some longer than others. Although my life is a shit show (if you know, you know), I had suddenly found my clarity.
I’m living my life happily. I hope you are, too.